I Totally Did Tori Amos Last Night
by Jason Roeder | Issue 62
“I totally did Tori Amos at the party last night.”
“No you didn’t.”
“I’m quite certain. At about eleven-thirty, did you guys hear a distinctively beautiful, yet haunting, ululation from the upstairs bedroom? Well, that was me. But she was right there.”
“Whoa.”
“Wait a second. Let’s cover some basic reasons for skepticism. First and foremost, I don’t remember seeing her name in Kyle’s Evite.”
“Yeah, and, number two, she probably doesn’t even live around here.”
“Even if you’re not that familiar with her music, you must recognize her name as that of a major-label singer-songwriter. I doubt she’d be listed in the White Pages. Celebrities covet their privacy to an extent that you and I can’t imagine. So, if not finding her name in the phone book is what’s required to convince you that she’s in the area, go ahead and let your fingers walk.”
“All right, we will. But maybe you could spare us the hassle by answering this, smart guy: If you really had sex with Tori Amos, then I’m sure it would be absolutely no problem whatsoever for you to tell us how she was in the sack. You would know, after all, right?”
“Oh my, was she ever excellent.”
“Jesus, he really did do her.”
“Not so fast. Get someone to back you up and maybe then I’ll believe you. Someone must’ve seen the two of you together.”
“Someone did.”
“Who?”
“Lauryn Hill. But she just took her clothes off and touched herself.”
“Were the rest of the Fugees there, too?”
“I don’t think so. I was too busy having sex with Tori Amos to take much notice.”
“Damn! I would’ve busted you if you’d said yes because she went solo a long time ago.”
“Wait a second here. Here’s how we get to the bottom of this: What instrument does Tori Amos play?”
“The piano.”
“And what instrument do Kyle’s parents have in the living room?”
“A piano.”
“Now I have you! How is it possible for a piano player to not play the piano? A bit of a paradigm, don’t you think?”
“First of all, I think the other incorrect word you were groping for is paradox. And, look, orthodontists don’t go around giving retainers to everyone they meet. Tori didn’t have to play; in fact, I’m pretty sure she didn’t even see the piano because I got down to giving her the best orgasm she ever had almost immediately.”
“You guys are going at this the wrong way. Come on, let’s just think for a second. Now, you’d have to assume she brought a six-pack of something, correct? This was a B.Y.O.B. affair. Maybe I should call Kyle and ask him if he could locate Ms. Amos’s contribution in the fridge—or recycling bin.”
“She didn’t want to drink. She just wanted hot, contortionist, Cirque-du-Soleil intercourse with me.”
“Man, if I was you, I would have run out and had a T-shirt made. I’d have my jock as one of the stops on her world tour. Did you do that?”
“Um, no.”
“No?”
“Can we change the subject?”
“Not till we get an explanation.”
“Okay, okay, you got me. God, I thought my story was airtight. I didn’t think you’d mention the absence of a crass celebratory T-shirt. I brought this on myself.”
“Too easy, dude. I knew we’d get to the bottom of this.”
“Yeah, and as payback, you gotta tell us what Lauryn Hill looked like naked.”