The 40 Most Popular Reasons for Taking Another Human Being’s Life
by Jason Roeder | Issue 56
1. Jealousy
2. Revenge
3. Life insurance
4. Drug money
5. UNICEF trespassers
6. Witch burning
7. Called “homo” by that one guy
8. Light-saber duel
9. Offering to Aztec war god Huitzilopochtli
10. Consensus of voices in head
11. Advance publicity for manifesto
12. Coveted natural resources
13. Coveted sneakers
14. Making it look like an accident seemed wasted on accidents
15. Ended your suffering
16. Ended my suffering
17. Enraged by Native Americans’ warm hospitality
18. Scathing editorials in Herald Tribune failed to sufficiently intimidate rival gang
19. Mistakes made during armored-truck robbery
20. Many mistakes made during Easter egg hunt
21. Because life had lost all value. I mean, your life
22. With mistress out of the way, now have the freedom to run off with—dammit!
23. Was passing wroth when vanquished knight
26. Soccer team lost
27. Soccer team won
28. Asthmatic hiker slowing down everyone else
29. Satanic rock music drove me to it
30. Christian rock music drove me to it
31. Gave killer instinct something to do
32. Heart broken by Fredo
33. Done runned out of littler critters to shoot
34. Mercy wounding just made things worse
35. Influenced by violence on television
36. Television broken
37. After years in abusive relationship, shot Boston Red Sox
38. Didn’t know what else to do with ninja training
39. Didn’t know what else to do with MFA
40. If there’s a better way to get a head into a refrigerator, I’d love to hear about it